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Would you wear this shirt in public? - Thanks Dave!
Little Johnny on Football - Thanks Ray! At a grade school in Green Bay a teacher was talking with her students
about football. She told the students that she was a Green Bay Packers fan.
She then asked her students to raise their hands if they, too, were Packer fans.
Everyone in the class raised their hand, except Little Johnny.
The teacher looked at Little Johnny with surprise and said, 'Johnny,
why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Packers fan,' he replied.
The teacher, shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Green Bay Packers fan, then who are you a fan of?
'I'm a Chicago Bears fan, and proud of it,' Little Johnny replied.
'The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Little Johnny, why are you a Bears fan?'
'Because my Mom is a Bears fan and my Dad is a Bears fan, so that
makes me a Chicago Bears fan too!!' explained Little Johnny.
'Well,' said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no
reason for you to be a Bears fan. You don't have to be just
like your parents all the time. Why, what if your Mom was a moron and
your Dad was a moron, what would you be then?'
'Then, Little Johnny smiled, 'We'd be Packers fans.'
LAST WEEK
The TRUTH about Twitter! - Thanks Jay! For all you twits...
April 14th, 2009
Best joke of 2009 so far - Thanks Ray! One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts tossing them
in the air, and then catching them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig
it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the
door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the
problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted
that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows
older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'
March 24th, 2009
The Fishing Trip - Thanks Sebring! A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8 Lb walleye on the first cast and a 7 Lb on the second.
On the third cast he had just caught his first ever walleye over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told
the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was
shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.
He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip
with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 walleye over 10 pounds. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and
shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours
enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been suffering in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more
than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!"
"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just fuckin' with ya. She's dead. What'd you catch?"
March 16th, 2009
Goodfellas at Moe's - Thanks EvilChris! "Go home and get your shine box" LOL! Found this on Youtube, thought someone had a lot of time on their hands but still... very creative.
March 6th, 2009
World's first guy-to-guy tip - Thanks 12clicksMichele!
Kids are quick! - Thanks WeirdHomer! TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
_________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
_________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
_________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Feb 14th, 2009
Happy Valentine's Day - Thanks Marina!
Feb 2nd, 2009
Pam Anderson fail - Thanks AS!
Need a light, Pam?
January 25th, 2009
Traffic question - Thanks Ray!
Most men will get this right.
Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING FOR 2 MILES sign posted, and you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you:
(a) Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles , or
(b) Do you break the law and pass?
Which is the correct choice?
A: Why take unnecessary risks and get a ticket?
January 5th, 2009
It's our policy, sir - Thanks Jimtenn!
A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then
goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
Cashier: "Sir, you stepped away from the counter. We don't make
corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now.
That's the policy of this bank!"
Customer: "Well, okay then. Just thought you'd like to know you gave me
twenty dollars too much. BYE."
Five levels of hangovers - Thanks BigScaryBob!
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You have drank 11 cans of coke and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a Mongolian stir-fry.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the extra spicy giant burrito from the 3:00am Mexican taco joint adventure. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavoured Schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once but you have had 9 Schnapps scented dumps.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on with your eyes closed while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings tears and burning to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom. You are only able crawl from the washroom back to your desk as your legs won't support your weight any longer.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. The vodka you drank all night has turned to formaldehyde in your system and the vapours are seeping out of every pore in your body making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is swollen and suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the strange looking one legged person was passed out on your bed next to you this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass and even the splash of water touching you is painful. You feel as though you may have internal bleeding. Death sounds pretty good right about now.
