In honor of summer...
I found you a nice pic of some bouncing tits.
We hope you enjoyed the bouncing tits as much as we did.
The golfer"s wife - thanks Content Guy!
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife"s hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there"s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I"ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife"s confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by "good reasons?""
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn"t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn"t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "and you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright,"Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes???..."
LAST WEEK
The Candyman can - thanks Jimtenn!
Did your mother ever tell you not to take candy from strangers?
I think this might be who she was talking about!...
(Click image for full size)
Getting Even - thanks Corinne!
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said: "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose.
Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!"
Then he shut door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!!!!!
Jun 16th, 2008
What's the difference? - thanks Ray!
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes: *WHACK* ...FUCK!!
A Bad Skydiver Goes: FUCK!!... *WHACK*
Epic boobs - thanks Girgle!
So true, so true. ~ Jokesbee.
May 21st, 2008
Men never learn - thanks Ray!
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn. :-)
This just in:
FOUND! The perfect woman...
Finally!!
May 1st, 2008
Escaped Convict - thanks Ray!
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."
April 14th, 2008
Ah springtime! - thanks Jimtenn!
Spring is here, time for a new beginning, still... the very best wishes.
To tell you right away, I have had enough of all the pictures of young, half-naked
young girls in disgusting poses and all other porno crap.
In the long run everybody will think I am sex obsessed.
From now on I am only sending you pictures from old monuments, nature and other cultural sights which are healthy and educational for your mind.
Therefore, I present a lovely picture of the bridge "Pont Neuf" in Toulouse, France.
Isn't it beautiful?
April 9th, 2008
Not every tunnel has a light at the end - thanks Ray!
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus - thanks Usualdamvp!
Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor:
The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.
"The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F_KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
(Gary)
Bitch
(Rebecca)
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one.
April 2nd, 2008
Go fly a kite - thanks jimtenn!
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no
success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
~ AT LEAST THIS HUSBAND LISTENS!
March, 2008
Aaaannd.... we're back
The importance of sidemirrors - thanks Ray!
Febuary, 2008
The outhouse - thanks Ray!
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use
an outhouse and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the
summer, cold in the winter, and stank all the time. The outhouse was
sitting on the bank of a creek, and the boy determined that one day, he
would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy
decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got
a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into
the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after
supper. Knowing that meant a spanking the little boy asked why. The dad
replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you,
wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read
in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and
didn't get into trouble, because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the
cherry tree."
January, 2008
Ten things to ponder for 2008 - thanks jimtenn!
10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.
8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him a sandwich.
7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down
the stairs.
5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.
4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays
no attention to criticism.
3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008 -
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located and
where it came from among the millions and millions of cows in America but
we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and
terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture
in charge of homeland security
