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Jokesbee's Archive JokeBlog
Nov 26th, 2006
The bathtub sanity test - thanks Jimtenn!
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was that defined if a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
Nov 20th, 2006
New York blonde's story - thanks Jimtenn!
A young BLONDE woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water, when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you, and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her t hree sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Nov 15th, 2006
Blondes & football don't mix - thanks JohnV!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight
pants and all the big muscles,
but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the
rest of the game,
all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
As long as we're posting blonde jokes...
- thanks Gabe!
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed....
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Nov 10th, 2006
The reason I was laid off - thanks BigScaryBob!
For the last company picnic, management had decided that due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink each person.......
I was fired for ordering the cups.
Click to enlarge
Circumcised - this is priceless! - thanks Jimtenn!
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out
till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
KIDS - DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???
Nov 3rd, 2006
Okay who brought the cat? - Thanks BigScaryBob!
Click to enlarge
The towel - Thanks Jimtenn!
An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, his wife never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on the desired event."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she's still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed." Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets going with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel"
Oct 29th, 2006
Aaaaand we're back. Sorry for the long delay in updating, I've been quite ill for the past few months. Feeling much better now,
and in the meantime have been quietly collecting a gaggle of fresh jokes for you all. Thanks to those of you who haven't given up
on ol' Jokesbee :)
Joke told on Howard Stern yesterday - thanks Joestraffic!
How do you get a gay guy to fuck a woman?
Put shit in her pussy.
July 29th, 2006
To be 6 again... - thanks Jimtenn!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
July 25th, 2006
There's talk of Hillary running for prez
- thanks Gouge!
July 23rd, 2006
Who's up for a weeny roast? - thanks Ray!
Somewhere there's a female welder with a really really warped sense of humor. ~ Jokesbee.
July 20th, 2006
Golf joke, well sort of - thanks Jimtenn!
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf layout became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
July 17th, 2006
Memories of the Clinton years - thanks Jimtenn!
July 13th, 2006
Why my girlfriend left me - thanks Wanton!
She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore and I'd have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, and I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that's what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.....
July 10th, 2006
TGFB (Thank God For Bondes) - thanks MS Judd!
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde
already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means
'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "Yes, and 'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's
Thursday.'"
July 6th, 2006
Overheard two Italians at the park... - thanks Jimtenn!
Vincenzo and Luigi were sitting on a bench in a New York park. "Hey,"
said Vincenzo , "do you likea biga fat woman with a longa, greasy,
straggly hair?"
"No, I'ma no likea dat" replied Luigi .
"Den, you likea da woman stinka bad a garlic alla da time?" inquired
Vincenzo .
"Nope, I'ma no lika dat kind either!" said Luigi .
"You musta likea da woman with a big, thicka hips anna varicose veins,
no?" asks Vincenzo .
"Notta me!" answered Luigi .
"How about da woman witha da big ass and hairy arms," asks Vincenzo
"Never lika dat!" answered Luigi .
"Den you Guinea bastard, whya you keepa fuckin' my wife?" Vincenzo
asked.
July 4th, 2006
To bang a stranger - thanks Jimtenn!
Boudreaux was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
She whispers, "Twenty dollars."
He'd never been with a hooker before but he decides what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a
minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well,"Boudreaux says, "neither did I until you shined that light in her
face".
July 1st, 2006
Truth is funnier than fiction - thanks Jimtenn!
Ready for a seriously funny laugh? This one is based on a True Story! No kidding!
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist! Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners,
military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne
fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a
gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked...as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the
shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for
suggestions. You're going to love this......
NASA responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
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