Jan. 30th 2007

Dirty Quickie - thanks thedalmation!
Q - How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

A - Give it a nipple.

The Teacher - thanks Cyberdog!
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes, "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything ..."
He returns her gaze, "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens, "Anything?"
"Anything," she repeats again.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

Jan 27th, 2007

- thanks Ray!

The inheritance - thanks Jimtenn!
When Fred found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are just so much smarter than men.

Jan 24th, 2007

The patch - thanks Ray!
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."*

*IF YOU LAUGH YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!

Jan 20th, 2007

Women can't parallel park - thanks break.com!

Click: .

Jan 20th, 2007

Winner of government "Not my job" award...

- Thanks Jimtenn!

Three women in a sauna - thanks Jimtenn!
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.  The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly."That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm".

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.  When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The older woman felt very low tech.  Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.  She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.  She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.  The older woman finally said.........

"Well, would you look at that......I'm getting a fax!"

Jan 17th, 2007

The showgirl - thanks Jimtenn!
As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring.
"What happened, Lilly," she asked, pointing to the bare finger. "The wedding off?"

"Yeah," Lilly admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked so different without his wallet."

The prostitute - thanks Jimtenn!
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"

Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it, old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."

The policeman fainted.

Jan 14th, 2007

- thanks Rob!

First Drink - thanks Ray!
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.

Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop ofjoy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant............ "Take another drink"!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees, tearfully giving thanks!!

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right. Right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says...

(it's coming)

(Ya ready?)

(take a deep breath)

"He should have quit while he was a head!"

Jan 10th, 2007

Two mental patients - thanks Ray!
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a Patient pretending he's driving a car with his hands at the steering wheel.

The nurse asks him,"Kevin! What are you doing?"

Kevin replies, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Newfoundland!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Kevin's room just as he stopped driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Kevin, how you doing?"

Kevin says "I'm exhausted. I just got into St. Johns and I need some rest.

" That's great," replied the nurse,"I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Kevin's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Very surprised she shouts, "Ed what are you doing ??? "

Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm screwing Kevin's wife while he's in Newfoundland".

Jan 6th, 2007

Safe sex gone too far...

Ditties from Jim - thanks Jimtenn!
Thoughts and items of interest for the new year...

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

Jan 1st, 2007

Two Grannies - thanks Jimtenn!
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"