Dec. 26th, 2007

Dear Santa...

Merry Christmas to you all from Jokesbee!

Canadian Christmas - thanks ADG!

Why men don't write advice columns - thanks Ja$on!
Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs.. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.

Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

Nov 20th, 2007

Nov 10th, 2007

20th Anniversary - thanks Stu!
A woman wakes up on her 20th anniversary to find her husband isn't in bed. She goes into the kitchen to find him sitting at the table with his head in his hands.

She says to her husband "What's wrong?"

He replies "Do you realize that if I had just killed you, I'd be getting out today!?"

Nov 4th, 2007

Quickies - some good, some you need to be British to appreciate - thanks wolfy!
1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least one of them would have seen it

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. "Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "...How's that?" "Don't you start." (someone please explain this one to me lol!)

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your oyster ... go for it."

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today." They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' "That was so nice of them."

Oct 24th, 2007

Latest truly tasteless - thanks Wolfy!
There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday. He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.
The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".
"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

Sept 20th, 2007

Blonde joke - thanks ADG!
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence.

Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Aug 24th, 2007

August 1st, 2007

Psychiatrist vs bartender - thanks Jimtenn!
Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for 1 year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me 3 times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"$80 per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.

Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well 80 bucks a visit 3 times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

April 4th, 2007

Best doormat EVER - thanks Jimtenn!

A great story - thanks BigScaryBob!
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

...Probably wasn't the same elephant.

March 10th, 2007

Saddest handjob in the world - Thanks BigScaryBob!

>>Click here for video>>

~ That guy is hilarious - Jokesbee.

March 7th, 2007

Another cat I've named Lucky - thanks Jimtenn!

If this video doesn't make you laugh... you are dead - thanks BigScaryBob!

www.theneweditor.com - Click here.

March 4th, 2007

On Britney's latest head-shaving rampage...
It's apparently just the tip of the iceberg:

~ OMG I want her more now than EVER. - Jokesbee..

On marriage... - thanks notabook!
Marriage is like a bottle of fine wine. It takes a lot of work getting it uncorked, but as soon as you pour yourself a glass you know it’s going to be worth it as soon as that soft, velvety liquid hits your lips.

That is of course until you have downed half the bottle and realize that drinking wine makes you a faggot.

Feb 28th, 2007

Old Indian joke - thanks Jimtenn
An old Indian Chief sat in his Hogan on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver. Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex ."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled ... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Feb 24th, 2007

Jury Duty - thanks Jimtenn!
With our criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of!!!

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Yeah, we looked .... but your client didn't."

~ Priceless! - Jokesbee.

Carnation jingle - thanks Jimtenn!
A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!

She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house.. a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it..."

Here is her entry:

Feb 19th, 2007

Priceless - thanks BigScaryBob!

Makeup -- $60

Boob job -- $6000

Forgetting to tuck in your nuts -- PRICELESS

A guy walks into a bar... - Thanks JimW!
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

Feb 15th, 2007

Feb 12th, 2007

The idiot seated next to you... - thanks BigScaryBob!
You are sitting next to someone who's irritating you on a plane, train or bus, what do you do?

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case and remove your laptop.
2. Turn it on making sure the person who won't leave you alone can see the screen.
3. Open your web browser and go to this bookmark: http://tinyurl.com/e8efm
4. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

- Also a great way to get you that deep cavity search you've been dreaming about. ~ Jokesbee.

Feb 1st-10th, 2007

Tax time - thanks Jimtenn!
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming ! have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year"

"Chicken Farmer it is."

Irish gas station - thanks Ray!
Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station. An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was. "Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled doffing his cap.

As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.
"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant .
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin' em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.
"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irishman...

"Those fellas at FORD think of everything."

The bet - thanks Carguy!
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time."