Adult Jokes
Warning: Possible Adult Themes!
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HALL of FAME
Bullshit Session
The Aussie, the Yank and the
Canadian were having a bullshit
session on this cruise ship.
The Aussie said, "In Australia we
have sheep that are so big they
take all day to be shorn."
The Yank said, "That's nothing, in
Texas our cattle are so big the steaks
have to be turned with a fork lift."
The Canadian said, "That's nothing,
we have women with pussies this big."
(He then stretched his hands so wide
it'd do the biggest fish justice.)
"How do you screw them then?" asked
the Yank.
"They stretch."
WHAT SIZE?
A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms and a sales girl approached him...
Sales girl: "Can I help you, Sir?"
Young man: "Yes, I want to buy some condoms."
Sales girl: "What size do you need, Sir?"
Young man: "I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need."
Sales girl: "May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?"
As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance:
"Give me a SMALL one..."
"Wait! Make it MEDIUM..."
"Wait! Make it LARGE..."
"Shit! Give me a TISSUE !!!"
Knocked-up daughter
A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to
the chemist and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive. Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was
the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has
informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay
all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2
retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account."
He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they
will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him
"You fuck her again..."
Osama Bin Laden dies...
Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don’t know what to do here," the devil says. "You’re on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have
to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of people here who weren’t quite as bad as you.
I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room. In it was Manuel Noriega and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," bin Laden said, "I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long."
So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I’d be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," bin
Laden commented.
So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over
his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, smoking his pole like Cuban cigar.
Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you’re free to go."
Now THIS is drunk...
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and
approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the
man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out... "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
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