Pet Jokes
Warning: Possible Adult Themes!
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HALL of FAME
Glory & Shame
A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots.
She downs the first one..."This is for the
shame", and then the second one..."This is for
the glory."
She then orders two more shots. She drinks the
first one..."This is for the shame" and then the
second one... "This is for the glory."
She is about to order two more shots when the
bartender stops her. "Ma'am, I was just
wondering...what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework
naked. But when I bent over to pick something up,
my Great Dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender said.
"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we
got knotted together and he dragged me around the
front yard for forty minutes."
THE TRIAL
A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend
him against a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's
expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know
another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial
lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a
jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately
had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began
his testimony.
"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when
he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's
pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up
hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the
fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."
The old Scotsman
A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a
young man.
Old Man:
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence?
Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone
with me own two hands, piled it for months. But do they call
me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is?
I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved
that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do
they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder?
Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that
stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier
with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But
do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo... "
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make
sure no one is paying attention.
"But ya fuck one sheep . . . "
Smartass Vet
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm,"
says the vet, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down"
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No, because he's heavy," said the vet.
The Elephant
An elephant is walking through the jungle one
day when she gets a thorn stuck in her foot.
The further she walks, the more it hurts.
After a while, she starts to limp. As she
limps along, an ant walks up and asks, "Hey,
what's the matter?"
"I've got this thorn in my foot and I would
do *anything* to get it out."
The ant says, "Anything? Well, would you let
me screw you?"
The elephant thinks about it for a minute and
decides "Why not?, How bad could an ant be?"
So she agrees.
The ant starts pulling on the thorn and,
eventually, gets it out.
True to her word, the elephant then lays down
on her side and moves her tail out of the way.
The ant crawls up and starts going to town.
A monkey up in a coconut palm is watching all
this. He can't quite believe his eyes. As the
ant mounts the pachyderm, the monkey starts
laughing and rolling around in the tree. His
actions knock a coconut out of the tree and
it falls and hits the elephant right between
the ears.
The elephant moans loudly in pain,
"Awwoooohhhhh!"
Hearing this, the ant yells out at the top of
his voice, "Take it all baby, take it all!"
The Horth
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over
to look at a horse.
His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?" That's easy, he's a midget with a
speech impediment".
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse.
"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth.
Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella upagain, and shows him the ears. "Nith earzth,
can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and
rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out
and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrath that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
A DOG NAMED PORKY
Six year old Debra was walking her dog when she passed
the temple where she and her family attended services. As
she approached her Rabbi came out the temple door and said,
"Shalom Debra, I see the tooth fairy visited you again."
"Yes Rabbi, and she left me a dollar under my pillow." said the
six year politely. She then said, " Rabbi have you met my dog Porky?"
The old Rabbi chuckled. "I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you call him
Porky."
She shook her head. "I'll bet you can't."
He laughed and said, "You called him Porky because he's so big and fat."
Debra shook her head. "No Rabbi, we call him that because he fucks pigs."
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