G-Rated Humor
Warning: The following may cause your sides to split!
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HALL of FAME
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is .. having friends.
At age 16 success is .. having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is .. having money.
At age 50 success is .. having money.
At age 70 success is .. having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is .. having friends.
At age 80 success is .. not peeing in your pants.
PUBLIC OUTBURST
A women and her three year old son had a lot of problems with potty
training; and she was on him constantly. One day they stopped at Taco
Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full
dining room.
While enjoying a taco, She smelled something funny, so of course
she checked her seven month old daughter, and she was clean.
Then she realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so she
asked, and he said "No."
She kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had
an accident and I don't have any clothes with me."
She had to ask again, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?"
"No" he replied.
She just knew that he must have had, because the smell was getting
worse.So,she asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his
cheeks and yelled...
"See MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled
up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. She was
mortified but some kind elderly people made her feel a lot better, when
they stop by the table and thanked her for the best laugh they had ever
had!!!
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