Old Timer Jokes
Warning: Possible Adult Themes!
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Lost grampa
A small girl was lost at a large shopping mall.
She approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little girl shyly replied,
"Beer.... and women with big tits."
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting
at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest one, square in the face
and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking
woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight
at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma, nailed her six ways
to next week and she is GOOD, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one
more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, BOY, your grandma liked it. She squealed like a naked bitch in heat!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."
My old schoolchum
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
thinking, "Surely I can't look that old!" Well, you are gonna love this
one.
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a
new dentist when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his
full name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy
with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years
before and I wondered if he could be the same guy I had a secret crush on
way back then??
When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded any such
thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much
too old to have been my secret crush..or was he???
After he examined my teeth I asked if he had attended Morgan Park
High School. ! ! !
"Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" He said, gleaming with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
"1959. Why do you ask?" He answered.
"Well, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
Then that ugly, old wrinkled son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
Retirement plan
About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.
I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line,but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have
breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a
nursing home, just call shore to ship.
ps: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side --
at no charge.
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