Old Timer Jokes
Warning: Possible Adult Themes!
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HALL of FAME
Q: What's 40 feet long and smells like piss?
A: A conga line at the old folks home.
Sam and Greg lived in a retirement center and were sitting on
a bench under a tree when Greg turned to the Sam and said,
"Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a newborn baby."
Greg Said, "Really! Like a baby!?"
To which Sam replied...
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just shit myself."
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, not really, I pee every morning at 6:00 a.m. I pee like a
racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30
a.m. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00 a.m."
MILDRED'S SUICIDE
Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was
particularly despondent over the recent death of her
husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill
herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would
be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to
shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken
in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a
vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's
office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart
would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your
left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee....
Little old lady
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd
better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?" " Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say:
$20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....
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