Relationship Jokes
Warning: Possible Adult Themes!
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HALL of FAME
How to sneak in the house after a night of drinking
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever
I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I
take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get
undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me
for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and
say, "HEY baby, you as horny as I am?" . . . and, she always acts like she's sound
asleep!"
THE WISH
A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of
cutoff jeans. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out
comes the Genie to give him one wish. He pulls out a map of the Middle
East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the
World.
The Genie pales, and says "Master, these people have been at war since
time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you
ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant
you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen."
"OK," the dude says, "tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the
best blow job I've ever had, on her own, without my begging and
pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS
HER ON!!"
The Genie thinks for a moment and says; "Let me see that map
again"
Chinese Detective
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective,
Mea Lookzee Yu, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later,
he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.
Typical Woman
Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24
hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they
made passionate love.
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live.
Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agreed and again they made love.
Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only
four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up."Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
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