Religious Jokes Pg 1
Warning: Possible Adult Themes!
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Busted!
There was this church that had a very big busted
organist - her breasts were so huge that they bounced
and jiggled while she played - they distracted the
congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled -
something had to be done about them or they would have
to get another organist. One of the ladies approached
her very discreetly and told her to put alum on them
and maybe they would shrink in size - she agreed to
try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on
the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond
my contwol - we will not hath a thermon today."
A priest, a preacher, and a rabbi
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week
for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching
to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss
the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a
wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an
IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he
claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't
sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I
began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But
that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD
of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one
hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a
creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a
lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying
in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction
with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He
was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may
not have been the best way to start."
How it's done in Vegas
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in
Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not
surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips
rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the
churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches
send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting
and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
7 reasons not to mess with kids
1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small..
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally
walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining
the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
4) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed
that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head..
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are
white?"
5) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the
group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,'There's Jennifer, she's a
lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
6) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
"Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
7) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table
was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
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